He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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