Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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