sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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