dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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