So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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