I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
