im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
