Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
