Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
