He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
