watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
