i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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