i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
