I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
