it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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