if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
