never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
