Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
