you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
