I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
