Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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