how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
