The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We got so high we made milksteak
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
