I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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