I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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