I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
