A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
