Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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