Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
