life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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