nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
