I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
