the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I forget how to act sober
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize