my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
