I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
