my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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