so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
