it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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