Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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