if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
