The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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