Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
