ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
