i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
