Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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