I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
