last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize