Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
