Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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