Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need to stop coming to work sober
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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