I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
