Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
