I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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