Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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