he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
